‘You Will Be Fed’

I am writing this at the end of a day which was amazing to the degree that I am beginning to tear up a little bit, with a heart not less than full.

When I woke up today I was unemployed, there were three k-cups left by the Keurig (now 2), the fridge was empty enough to make a scrounging mouse whimper, and I had so little money in my bank account that I felt intimidated by the idea of going to the grocery store to provide for myself. I repeat, without an ounce of sarcasm, this day has been amazing.

Let me tell you about my day.

All the amazingness has followed from my prayer-time this morning (blog update: I’m a Christian. capiche. onward.). Basically, I sat down in my usual butt-on-the-carpet and back-to-the-wall position that I dig ever so much, and I said right from the start, “God, I’m really going to need you to provide for today, because seriously the fridge is empty, like really empty, like the kind of empty that the only reason I’m not worried about it is because this time with you is between the reality of me having to deal with not having lunch”. I was really banking on something happening before lunch. Honestly though, this was about more.

One thing I have become convinced by lately is that God wants to touch our hearts. I’ve also begun to suspect that literally can’t happen without a serious experience of him in our lives. The love which he claims to have for us simply can’t penetrate the heart without something real. I’ll explain this in a way that will easily make sense.

There are few memories I have from before the age of 5, but one of them is clear as glass. I was 4 years old, and my pre-school class was having a show-and-tell that day. I remember frowning at my mom, discussing hard what I should bring that day, and settling on the item which was most important to me at the time: Barney Quillow. Yes, that’s right, bow before the awesomeness of the name of my favorite stuffed animal, a koala bear wrapped in a neon-striped egg that could conveniently tuck inside a slot in his back. You wish you fell asleep next to that guy.

I remember the excitement I had, as my little hands clutched this extension of my heart, and all I could think of was how others would share that excitement. I got up to the front, unzipped the egg, held him up proudly, and declared “for my show in tell I brought in my favorite bed-time friend, Barney Quillow”!

Everybody laughed at me. I started crying. I remember it more than 18 years later.

This is what I talk about when I mean a real experience. It takes a real experience of humiliation to remember it for 18 years. When I use the world “real”, I mean something that has actually been backed by your experience, the kinds of experiences which have actually changed and formed you. So I will say it again, it takes a real experience of God’s love to penetrate deeper than the mind, into the heart.

It also takes a real experience of God’s action to grow in faith in him, like maybe being a centurion with a paralyzed servant (Mat 8:5-13) or being a naked man who is demon possessed and lives at a graveyard (Mark 5:1-13). Or maybe, just maybe, being broke with no food in the fridge.

I will cut to the chase. In my prayer-time I immediately jumped to read about the feeding of the 5,000, completely looking to receive some insight and consolation with regard to my own position. I had to go back and read the classic bible story now that my life truly reflected it. Now I had become someone standing on the shores, “like sheep without a shepherd” (Mark 6:34). When he looked with compassion he was looking upon me.

As I read the story it became real, and I understood the simplicity of it- Jesus wanted to give the people some food. That’s it. I am almost overwhelmed by how simple it is. He could have sent them away, but why didn’t he? Because he loved them, and when you have bread and you have fish and you love the hungry people in front of you you’re going to GIVE IT TO THEM. He just thanked God, and then had the disciples start handing it out. They were stingy at first, with their hearts so empty of faith, only breaking off a tiny piece of bread here, giving a pinch of fish there. When they finished being stingy with the first group of fifty their heart grew a little bit, and they realized what was going on. Their generosity expanded as their faith did, handing out whole loaves of bread and hand-fulls of fishes. Thousands were socializing and eating, eating and socializing some more until they were done: “They all ate and were satisfied” (Mark 5:42). Jesus looked on with joy, basking in the extra time with people he loved, provided for by the generosity of his father!

If it is not exceedingly clear by now, God made it clear to me in that prayer-time “you will be fed”. And I have been. I texted two friends afterward, asking them if I could eat lunch and dinner with them. Within 10 seconds of the first text I immediately received a text back that simply said “YES!”. Unbelievable. Today I dined on the faithfulness of God. God’s goodness, in a chicken and cheese sandwich, in a bowl of curry. I am truly overwhelmed.

Today’s eternal purpose was God providing two meals for me. Nothing else matters. Today was amazing.